I know it’s been a long time since I’ve written anything here. I don’t know that anyone even reads this. Maybe a few, maybe not, but when it comes down to it, part of my having this blog in the first place is to be able to put some of my thoughts out into the world and feel like maybe, just maybe, they might be heard. If nothing else they’re not rattling around my brain anymore.
So my corner of the world has been changing. Maybe not huge changes, some aren’t visible, but deep in my being I feel them. I started a couch to marathon program in mid January. With the pandemic my weight spiraled out of control. No races, no motivation, a bit of depression setting in…food and my couch were welcome friends. I ballooned almost to my pre running weight. No specific numbers, but it’s a lot. Then a program that’s designed to help you go from what would be my current starting point to 26.2 showed up on social media. I think I thought about it for all of 2 minutes then heard my soul whisper, “THIS! This is what you’ve been looking for.” So I signed up.
It started out very gently, and has progressed at just the right pace for me. I’ve also surrounded myself with the tribe that I need right now. Not that all the runners I’ve met on Instagram or Twitter are irrelevant now, but the shift and need for the change is due to the fact that the change I’m feeling is not just physical, but spiritual and emotional too.
As I’ve been making my way through this year my eyes are beginning to see more and more how skewed people’s priorities are. I watch tv and see how advertisements push the idea of more more more will make you happy. That if you don’t feel perfect there’s a drug you should be taking. That YOU are more important than anyone or anything else and that you need to take any steps to take care of yourself even if it leads to the hurt of others. That getting 15 seconds of fame is worth doing anything for. That if someone doesn’t agree with your views or beliefs or behaviors they’re wrong and worthy of hate. It’s really sad.
That’s part of why I’ve spent much less time on social media. It’s funny how we let the world condition us about what we need. We don’t need stuff, or money, or the latest gadgets, or fame. We need to learn that more isn’t better. That if we’re not happy with the things that we have, money or a new item or hating someone else isn’t going to make it any better. That happiness comes from learning to be happy with the blessing that you do have. From spending time with family or being outside or doing something you love.
With all that in mind I’ve found new purpose in my running. I’ve found new joy in creating things (I’ve been crocheting up a storm when I have the time). I’ve found peace in accepting my limits, and purpose in trying to push past them for myself…not in the pursuit of trying to impress or surpass others. I’m learning to be more patient and understanding. I’m spending more time investing in new hobbies, caring for my home, and reconnecting and strengthening bonds with family and friends.
Are things perfect? Heavens, no! I still struggle with self doubt, depression, anxiety and other things we all deal with. But I’m trying to find peace at every opportunity I can and learning how to hold on to it when things get tough.
So if you don’t see me much, know that I’m doing the best I can every day. That I think of the many people who have been a part of my journey this far, and at some point I will try to reconnect somehow. And that I wish only the best for each and every one of you.