Extra thoughts on yesterday’s post

So I’ve been thinking more about that whole ditching social media thing, and I think I’ve got it a bit more figured out…

When I first got in to the whole social media thing it was just to put my stuff out there to show. Honestly 90% of my social media accounts in the beginning were a feeble attempt to try to get an ETSY shop going. They were crafting accounts. But somehow, at some point they became running/fitness accounts.

That wasn’t necessarily bad. My very first Twitter account helped me lose a ton of weight at one point. When that goal was reached, though, I deleted that account. Then newer ones took its place, and kind of took over my life.

It started innocently enough.Posting some runs and other workouts. Then it began. I got this stupid idea that I could be an influencer (yeah, right), but getting the opportunity to be an ambassador for a couple organizations fueled that. Then posting started eating up my time.

Why? Because I felt I had to. Which led to me “having” to run more miles, post more race pictures, more, more, more. Runstreaking, bling posting, post, post, post. That’s when I started the downward spiral (only I didn’t realize it until looking back).

I got caught up in the numbers game. How long could my Runstreak go? How many races could I run in a year? How many followers could I get? How fast could I run? Could I lose more weight? Then the comparison garbage invaded my brain. Why am I not as fast? Why can’t I win age group awards at more races? I’m not as fast or thin or creative or pretty or fit or (insert any number of things here) as her/him. It ate away at the joy I first felt when I lost that weight and began running more. It got to be pretty awful.

Then the crash…hip issues and a pandemic led to me not running and gaining quite a bit of weight. I tried to get back into social media. “Its support!”, I thought to myself. But it kind of wasn’t. It was my overactive, insecure brain pointing out that I was nowhere near where I once was. Why did I try to come back? I’m not inspiring anyone. I’m sure as hell not impressing everyone. I’m a nobody and no one (well, maybe a few people) really cares what I’m doing anyway. It was defeating.

So here I am now. I’ve barely been on any of my fitness accounts and you know what? I’m ok with that. The demons in my head that say I’m not good enough, they’ve shut they’re mouths because I’m not seeing other’s numbers and giving them fuel. I have recently joined a Facebook group that is fitness related, but something new where I’m not trying to be anything fancy. I’m a newbie and learning to love a new hobby. I feel good there. I’m hoping someday to feel good in the running community again, but until I have the mental strength to silence my demons, I’m thinking it best to just stay in my own little corner of the internet.

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